GOOD INSIDE WITH DR. BECKYHOSTED BYDR. BECKY KENNEDY
Join clinical psychologist and mom of three Dr. Becky Kennedy on her weekly podcast, as she takes on tough parenting questions and delivers actionable guidance—all in short episodes, because we know time is hard to find as a parent. Her breakthrough approach has enabled thousands of people to get more comfortable in discomfort, make repairs after mistakes, and always see the good inside. You'll gain the tools to embody your authority while developing a stronger parent-child connection, helping you become the parent you want to be and helping your child develop the skills necessary for life success.
Do I give myself permission to change the guidelines around this phone? To change the apps that are on this phone, to change the parental settings that are on this phone, to even change the fact that my kid has a phone at any moment. And the reason I think that is so important is if you picture a pilot on a plane, and all of a sudden, there's immense turbulence. You would want your pilot to give themselves permission to change flight path. It's like there's new information. It's very turbulent. And if your pilot was so steadfast to say, well, this is what I'm doing, that would be really scary. I would actually say I would hope my pilot would never take flight unless they gave themselves permission to change paths to ensure the safety of the passengers whenever they had information that indicated that would be a good decision. And if a pilot couldn't say that on the ground, I'd say, please don't be my pilot. Please do not take flight. I think that's the exact same thing. And so interestingly, Jesse, I feel like we're actually talking about maybe fewer things just about our kid. And actually, many more things around the whole family them. What I'm experiencing or or what people write in about a lot is, like, my kid doesn't necessarily understand How to engage socially. So kids don't really talk on the phone anymore. They text each other. That's sort of what happens. And then it quickly escalates to a group chat to so many people being in this group chat, and then it becomes an entire 6th grade conversation or what have you. What guidance should we be giving our kids on text etiquette and what they should be sharing and not sharing and and what do you think we should be setting up as expectations as they learn how to navigate texting. Such a good question. Something I think a lot about with my older one. And, again, the setup of this question, the assumptions we all have, I feel like it puts us parents in a really hard situation.
Ignoring. To some degree, I'm saying it's not real. I'm just saying I don't freaking care. Right? And go figure it out. Okay. That's one extreme. I just wanna model the other extreme because I just wanna be clear. I do think a lot of parents have overcorrected. And I would say it is I don't know about equally. I don't know about the exact equivalence, but it is similarly unhelpful to kids. This math homework is so hard, and I know when the things they give you. It's cool. Like, they don't know how busy you are. And and, look, I I'm gonna do this for you or right? Or maybe the kid's like, I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. And I'm like, okay. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. I'll just let me just finish this part of you. I'll make your flashcards. I'll I'll do it, and now you're okay. Right? Okay. To me, there is that extreme. I have never said those words myself. I have never encouraged parents to say those things. I think that is extremely unhelpful. In that case, while the first thing is outcome that I expect from you without any acknowledgment about what's going on for you or, by the way, what's probably blocking you, which is the overwhelmed feeling. The other extreme is complete focus on what's blocking you without any, not only pathway toward the outcome, but without simultaneously letting my kid know I both see your feeling as real, and I also know as an adult, the feeling isn't forever, and you're going to be able to get past this because you're a competent human being. Validating feelings over and over without in some way absorbing your belief in that person's competence or your hope that there's gonna be another version or another side, I do think can create a tunnel vision into yourself, and you become the feeling instead of the feeling being a part of you next to the competent version of yourself. That to me is the middle ground To be able to say and to make it super simple, this feels really hard to you, and I believe you, I wouldn't say that's the right feeling. The only
And then next time your kid does that, like, it's gonna feel totally differently, and you're not gonna be bothered by it. And then 3 weeks later, actually, your kids are gonna start saying, I want mommy. That would be great. That would be perfect. Thank you. Yeah. But I don't I don't have that playbook, so I'm just gonna just tell you that. So you're on the wrong podcast for that. No. But what I do think is a really powerful starting point is to start with, this doesn't feel good to me right now. I feel rejected. And start to be able to watch how I feel rejected or this doesn't feel good to me right now or I don't feel connected to my kid in this moment. Start to watch how that kind of beginning seems to then almost spiral into these really grand kind of in totality, you know, kind of truths about the type of parent you are, and to try to just, like, separate that and almost start to watch it. Like, okay. Wait. What am I supposed to say to myself right? I feel rejected right now. I feel rejected right now. And one of the things actually in our brief conversation that I've noticed is when you talk about your feelings, you tend to use the word you and not I. I don't know if you know that. You feel this way or, you know, you, which and as we're talking about feelings and in your body, there's it's almost like this outside your bodiness. Right? So I'm gonna ask you actually. Let's just do a little exercise now. Say, I feel rejected by my kid. I feel rejected by my kid. This is a bad feeling inside my body. This is a bad feeling inside my body. I don't feel so connected to my kid right now. I don't feel very connected to my kid right now. Tell me what what's that like? I think I preferred using you because it did feel, more external. It does feel it feels like the ultimate rejection. It feels like the ultimate rejection. So
This is an episode you don't wanna miss. I'm speaking with Jonathan Hite. Jonathan is a social psychologist at NYU and a best selling author. And he just came out with his newest book, The Anxious Generation, How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness. Now I know that title seems heavy, and it is heavy, but this conversation is very practical and very hopeful. We talk about the impact of phones, social media, the decline of play on our kids' mental health. And whether you have a toddler or an elementary schooler or a middle schooler or a high schooler, whether you're thinking about when to give your kid a phone or you've already given your kid a phone, this is a conversation that you want to hear. I'm Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this. Let's be honest. Parenting is expensive. And I hear all the time from parents that there are so many things they want to do that just don't fit into their budget. And it can feel kind of powerless. What else can I do to have some extra cash to show up as the parent I wanna be, to give my kids the experiences they want? And I wanted to make sure you all knew of something that doesn't always come to mind, but is an amazing way to have some extra money for that family vacation, that soccer class, that lunch you want to go out to with your friends. Being an Airbnb host means that you are providing another family an amazing experience because I know you've created your home with a family in
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